Healthy Sexuality Requires Desiring Your Partner

In our last blog, we discussed ways to grow your relationship with your partner into a long-term relationship, instead of searching for lust-based relationships. This is because long-term relationships are more rewarding in the long run, and help build healthy interactions, while lust-based relationships can induce shame, like indulging in an addiction. 

In this blog, we want to explain another aspect of long-term relationships: desire. Just because you are striving for a lasting relationship (instead of a series of flings, infidelity or excessive pornography usage) doesn’t mean that you have to ignore desire for your partner. 

Desire is finding your partner attractive and wanting a sexual relationship with them. This is different from stimulation, which is what sexual addicts feel while indulging their addiction. Desire is wanting one person because of who they are and what they mean to you; stimulation is wanting sex for the sake of sex. 

Desiring your partner requires intimacy and vulnerability. Like we’ve talked about before, you have to know who you are to put yourself out there in desiring another person. Much like knowing what you like to eat to feel healthy and full, you have to understand what you want in a healthy sexual relationship so you feel “full.”

Here are some questions to explore your sexual desires: 

–  How do YOU define sexual desire? How do you EXPRESS your desire? 

– Where does your sexual desire come from — a need to feel validated or attractive, or from a hunger for your partner? Which feels more mature?

– How do you let your partner know you feel desire? How do you want your partner to let you know they desire you? 

– When do you feel loved? 

Share your answers with your partner. What additional questions would you add to the list? How does your partner answer some or all of the questions on the list? Where do your answers intersect or differ? 

In our blogs next month, we’ll continue to discuss ways to build healthy, long-lasting relationships.

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